Sedulous
by MissCharlotteLouise
Summary: "In order for you to love me, you have to let me protect you." A simple statement. Something which, when said, sounds endearing & lovely. Something that you'd find yourself replaying over & over in your mind. Something that would keep you remaining sane at intense times. You wouldn't question it, Why would you? Except why wouldn't you? Wouldn't it be begging the question: WHY?
1. Prologue: Living Hell

_Ahh! Ok, this is my first proper attempt of writing an on-going story which is going to be uploaded & shown to others. Because of this, I'm firstly going to apologise for spelling mistakes, wrong use of past/present tense, or if it sounds like it's complete bull. I got this idea when watching a show about guardian angels: someone was in a car crash & woke to their angel trying to convince them that everything is going to be OK, five years on & he's recovered! It really intrigued me, especially as I'm a drama-junkie, spiritual-wonder-er kind-of-girl! I'm aiming to upload a new chapter once a week, but who know's I might fancy writing a little more sometimes! I'd really appreciate thoughts/ideas/comments, although please try & keep it at least half-nice, I'm new to all of this! I really do hope you enjoy it, & maybe, hopefully I gain some writing-buddies/pen pals/ fans..._

_Aiming to write soon,_

_Miss C Louise. xx_

_Oh & by the way If I've attached this to fan fictions of other novels, I do apologise. I've only done it because they have similar genre's!_

* * *

**_Sedulous;  
Showing dedication & diligence._**

For:

As my first successful novel, I dedicate this to those who've fallen in love with it. I hope this seduces you into buying more pieces of my work. Your dedication and support is unbelievably amazing, and I hope to impress you frequently.

_We collided together, through reliance and hours._

_Your source of protection is power and compassion._

_Even though we didn't get a choice I already had made up my mind,_

_Even if I'm not the one you particularly want, you're forever by my side._

_I will not survive without your love or loyalty—_

_Nor will I survive if you leave me._

_I know I'm the only person you can see,_

_But go on, I dare you, to love me._

Prologue: _Living Hell_

**Although** both eyes were tightly shut, I could still see and feel the dim, hazy sky lingering as if it were a cold bitter frost. Never do I shut my curtains at night time, for I enjoy waking up to the sky shifting from night to day. _I must be utterly, embarrassingly cheesy because I find looking out at the stars, either at night time or day time, rather magical. _

Realising I was awake; I allowed one eye to open. _I was correct_, the sky wasn't a peaceful blue blur, it was a protesting, disappointing, dreary grey which lacked in importance and emotion. _Ugh. _I groaned rolling away from the window and trying to remain, at least, half-asleep.

I'm not sure how long I'd been layed there, maybe a it was a matter of seconds, maybe a number of minutes, all I know is, it didn't take too long until I was disturbed.

"Lae?" My older sister, Alice, also known as Liss, whispered.

"Yes?" I grumbled.

"Are you still asleep?"

I sighed heavily, "Unless I have the ability, to communicate efficiently whilst remaining asleep, no."

I sensed her uplifting smile and free persona, "fancy going for a ride? Mum's pissed out 'er 'ead!"

Sitting up straight, I pulled down my baggy t-shirt; Liss was kneeled upwards on her bed, staring out of our window, drinking a cup of milky tea. "It's seven in the bloody morning!"

Her eyelashes fluttered as she giggled, "And since when has time ever stopped her!?"

We both snickered together acting like the two teenagers we were meant to be, "Give me chance to get dressed, how about you go wake Rae up?"

"OK." She agreed.

Once Liss had shut the door, I rushed round trying to find some clothes to wear, not wanting to be in the house, which contained our intoxicated mother, any second more than I had to.

**Both** Liss and I shared the same father: a happy, loving man who looked after our mum like no other. He would have endlessly been found playing with us, or helping us, or teaching us new things; he adored having a family, even if it were a female-populated household.

Our mother and father were high school sweethearts; everyone always wanted what they had. Not mattering the length of time they'd been with one another, it was always as if they'd only just fallen in love. Although I was only young, it gave me the understanding that love can only blossom in the most rarest cases and I'd never accept anything less. They were good together, my mum and dad, _we were all good together._

On my fifth birthday snow fluttered down like confetti which filled the whole lane in our street. It was an icy, cold day. Happily, my father kissed both mine, Liss's and mothers head before heading out to our local bakery to collect my birthday cake. He was waiting at a red traffic light when a lorry skidded, lost control and rotated on top of him, crushing him in between the small car he owned. After that our mother fell ill with a number of things: grief, depression and the disease of the bottle, ever since then she's been hooked; apparently looking after two children is too hard. _Didn't stop her though. _A couple of years later she met some guy, at some bar, and continuously saw him _(if you know what I mean)_… well, until she announced her pregnancy. Looking back on it, I think her aim was to replicate our, once, happy-family vibe… _I have never seen a guy pack his things and skedaddle so fast._

Even when she was pregnant with our younger sister Rachel, her third baby, it never stopped her from drinking; nothing's been able to stop her. Liss and I insisted on taking over her role, knowing Rae wouldn't have a chance of surviving if it was left to our mother.

**Rummaging** round the floor to find a top that was suitable to wear, I discovered an endless stash of empty bottles. _Why would she be drinking in our room? _ Our mother was exasperating at times.

"Morning Lae-Lae!" Rae exclaimed bounding in without the deed of a knock.

"Rae!" I squealed trying to cover my bare top half with the t-shirt I was holding.

She giggled apologetically, "Whoopsie!" Rae climbed onto my bed and started jumping.

_How could you want to drink when you could spend time with such a guiltless child? _I smiled, "go and have a sneaky biscuit before Lissy finds out!"

"Can I?"

I winked, "go on." She'd leapt off and had skipped away before I'd finished shoving on the white round-neck top. I slipped on some sneakers, grabbed the nearest jumper and scarf and headed towards the door.

"Eleana Grayson," _Out of all the voices in the world, hers was the last one I wanted to hear. _I'd almost made it; I was at the top of the stairs, ready to go, "where are you-u-u go-o-ing?" She stumbled towards me, her long index finger pointing to my chest, the exact spot where my heart should be.

"Out." I muttered.

Not finished with her interrogation she chugged on the latest bottle she was drinking from, "And where will you-o-u-u be going when you-o-u-u are out-t?" She pronounced her T's like a Snake pronouncing S's.

I sighed, "We're taking Rae out for breakfast."

"Well gi'mmie a minute, I'll grab my coat and come with you." Mother rushed off in a hurry, scraping her left shoulder against the wall; it was as if drink numbed her reflexes. At her pace, it left me two minutes to grab everything, plus everyone, and leave.

Just like in the cartoons, when you see the good characters run away from the villain, I rushed almost immediately screaming out Liss's and Rae's name. As if it was tattooed to their skulls they knew the protocol. Liss grabbed Rae's coat and backpack, I grabbed my handbag and we were off, leaving our disappointing mum behind.

**Leaving **mum wasn't our version of revenge or cruelty; all of us care and love for mum immensely. Whenever she needed help, care, or love both Liss and I are the first ones there, taking advantage of the rare time, and doing whatever, so Rae can have positive memories, just like what we used to have of her. Although we get frustrated, or irritated we don't blame her fully; _I can't imagine losing the only one you've ever loved, it must be devastating, not only because you love them but because you've created people with them. _

Although we love our mum so much, we don't allow her to come out with us when she's drunk. Several occasions we've attempted to go out and imitate a happy family, each one of them failed. She either got too emotional, crying continuously which subsequently caused a big scene, or she got aggressive. _Not passive-aggressive, aggressive-aggressive._ For Rae's sake, Liss and I banned her from any social site.

"**That** was a close one!" Rae giggled wriggling round in her boaster seat. Trying to not make our mum look like she has horns and a big sharp fork, Liss and I suggested it was a game, _when one of us shouts 'two minutes' we have to see who is the quickest to get into the car. _It sounds silly, but it's a strategy that Liss and I use to deal with mum and Rae at the same time; It's just something that works.

Liss was in the front driving but I'd decided to hang back with Rae, "where do you want to go for breakfast then?" I asked.

Rae jumped in excitedly, "Captain Cook's."

"You wanna go Captain Cooks?" Liss asked looking in the wing mirror at us, using her motherly tone; sometimes it was as if she was the sensible strict mummy, I was the rebellious, fun daddy and Rae was the innocent, sweet child. _See, we do have a happy family._

"Yeah, I wanna go Captain Cook's!" She squealed.

"Captain Cook's! Captain Cook's! Captain Cook's" I started to chant, Rae excitedly joined in, "Captain Cook's! Captain Cook's! Captain— "

**Black. **All I could visualise was murky, obscure black; surrounding me was darkness. It was as if _no amount of light would give me the ability to see what surrounded me._ I had no clue within the darkness whereabouts I was. _Fuck. _I couldn't move. No amount of force or power allowed me to move, I was paralysed, stuck in sheer darkness. Not knowing what else to do I screamed, feeling my whole body's sensation being sucked away. _Double fuck. Rae?! Where's Rae and Liss?! _I was only with them moments ago and now I'm in a total black bubble, alone and afraid. _Are they OK? Are they alone also? Shit. Shit. Shit. I need to get to them._ I tried to wobble my body free from this curse, trying to loosen the lack of ability I had to move. Nothing. _Triple fuck._

I blinked; one of the only movements I could make, and then the scenery had all changed. No longer was I in a shadowy, scary dusk, I was in the car with Rae and Liss as if nothing had ever happened. Except something had happened; next to me were Rae, her clothes and face covered in blood and glass and other types of materials I couldn't make out. In front of her, was an unconscious, bloody, lifeless Liss, her head leaning on the steering wheel, her hair sprung round like she'd just touched static. _Fuck. Holy Fuck. _My adrenaline was pounding within my ears, my heart stimulating it. _What the hell had just happened?!_

"Rae?! Rae?!" Immediately, I started shaking Rae, with hope her eyes would open, "We need to get out of the car in case anything bad happens."

_Nothing._

"Fuck. Fuck." I breathed heavily, feeling the most awful pain in my stomach. I didn't look down, I didn't want to see what horrific injury was causing the pain; I had to get Rae and Liss out of the car first. "Liss!? Alice?! ALICE?!" I screamed using my foot to nudge her; it was the only thing that could reach her. _Come on Alice, wake up_.

_Nothing. _

In the far distance I could hear ambulance noises, "You hear that? Helps on it's way." I spoke to them as if they could hear me; _I had hoped they could hear me._

"Eleana." A low enticing voice calmly murmured.

I blinked hoping this would all be just a big, bad nightmare and that was a voice of someone trying to wake me. _It wasn't._ I must've only been conscious for at least a couple of seconds, but I knew that I'd wasted too much useful time, something I needed; I needed it more than I needed air.

"Eleana." It said again.

Within another blink, before I had a moment to realise and reply, a guy, dressed in a slim fitting, smart suit, was curving over me, attempting to take off my seat belt and carry me to safety. I screamed, sounding muffled and croaky and shaky and scared. _Who the fuck was he?_

He stopped what he was doing and gazed into my petrified eyes, covering my lips with his hand, "Don't; It's OK. I'm here to get _you _out of this."

"What about my sisters?" I cried.

"I'm here to get _you _out—"

I guarded the seatbelt he was trying to remove, to get his attention, "But what about my sisters?!"

He didn't reply, he just gazed at me with sorrow.

_Come on. Come on. _Fear of the unknown struck me. _What if… How… But…STOP. _An unbelievable amount of questions started to trigger, leaving me dizzy and panicked-stricken. _Think Eleana, think. _I told myself.

_**Save your sisters.**_

I started to fight him off of me; stop him from helping me so I could help Rae and Liss. I pushed him, immediately turning to my right breaking open Rae's seatbelt, "Rae?! Rae?!" I screeched shoving the fasteners to one side. Before I had the chance to clutch onto her, I felt hands tighten around my frail waist and pull me from out of the car. Tears started to stream as I screamed out their names, "Liss! Rae! Rae, get out the car! Lissy help her out! Please Alice move! Rae! Rae! Liss! Liss! Alice c'mon!" _No matter the level of my volume, they didn't respond. _I tried to fight the stranger off of me, knowing that if he let go I'd have the ability to rush them to safety, "let go of me please; I need to help my sisters! Let go! Let fucking go! My sisters! My sisters!" I yelped, my face reddening with worry. I jabbed at his sides, throttling my fists at his hips, but he wouldn't back down. With every kick I'd make he'd grunt, squirming at the thrusts, but not let go. No matter what he wouldn't put me down. It was as if he couldn't, as if he wouldn't; he acted as if both our lives depended on him protecting me.

The stranger placed me down softly, onto a shade of dark green grass and kneeled in front of me, "I'm sorry Eleana. I'll tell them, you love them."

_What did he just say?! What the hell did he mean? I need to save my sisters! They need fucking protecting! _Without getting a chance to ask him to repeat his sentence, I could feel my eyes drifting to a close and my body falling as he disappeared.

**Beep. **Beep. Beep. Beep. _Beep. Beep. Beep. Ugh. Could someone stop that irritating noise? _Making me squint from the unexpected change of lighting, my eyes fluttered open like a fly trying to writhe its way out of a spider's web. Before being able to think, the most harshest pain throbbed at my head forcing me to cry out. _Ahh. _I leaned in to touch it; it felt all fragile and drizzly. _Why did it feel drizzly? _ My hand backed away so I could see what had made it feel damp; blood covered my fingertips. _What? How? _I looked round where I was laying, _shit I was in hospital._

"Nurse! Nurse, she's awake! My Eleana's awake!" A familiar voice shrieked clutching onto my other hand, "Eleana, it's your mummy," she looked at me as if I suffered with Amnesia, "can you remember your mummy?"

"Yes. Yes, of course I can mum." I dismissed, trying to push her away from me.

Mother looked rough, real rough. Her eyes were swollen and puffy; the excess mascara had smudged making her look untidy and unclean. Her reddened and bloated cheeks disguised her from the pale and horrifyingly thin body shape she was so used to. Mother's hair was messy and knotty, some of it was up, some of it was down, the other part was swaying within the air that circulated in the small, unfamiliar room. She wore sweats; dull saddening grey ones. Mother looked like she'd been crying, almost weeping in fact. _I was afraid to know why… _

After studying my mother I looked around where she was once sat before she'd spotted I was awake. Complicated, confusing machinery was set up everywhere, paperwork next to it. _What had happened? Why had I gone from being OK on the soft grass, to in the hospital with equipment strewn about everywhere! _I tried to look at as much of my body as I could, in hope of figuring out the nerve-wracking dilemma. Needles were in my arms, attaching me to various, unknown machines which were beeping away frantically. _How can this be? _

Not being able to believe, I got up, deciding I should walk around. I'd almost stood when the most dreadful pain start splintering into my right side. _Ahh. _I cried out helplessly, caving in, onto the bed. The instant it had died down a little, I tried to stand again, the cables to the unusual machines stretching afar and beeping even more so.

"No honey, sit back down please." My mother tried to encourage, shuffling me back to the bed.

I ignored her pushing her to one side. _Why was I in hospital? Why had I been asleep? _Then it hit me; _we were in an accident. Rae, Liss and I were all in a car accident. _

I decided to cry out, with hope they'd come, "Rae?! Liss?! What's going on? Where are they?" I asked, turning to mother who had her hand covering her mouth as tears fell uncontrollably, "Rae?! Rae?! Come see Lae-Lae." I looked round for her, nothing. "Liss? Liss? Liss!" I screamed… nothing. _I have to go find them. _I paced to the door, planning to open it and discover they were outside reading together, or chewing on an unhealthy but indulgent snack. _I was incorrect…_

_B_efore managing to open it, various nurses and doctors rushed in, not giving me the chance to even try to escape. All of them teamed together at an attempt of thrusting me with as much power as they could back onto the unwelcoming bed.

I screamed out scared; wanting to understand why I was in there, where my sisters were and why I was in so much pain. I asked them as much as I could, tried as best as I could to remember everything and anything which would help solve the confusion, but instead of replying they continued to talk to themselves, jabbing me with various lengths of needles, in hope I'd settle.

"Please answer me." I muttered my eyes uncontrollably fluttered as the medication tried to put me to rest. I turned to one young nurse who wasn't helping the other doctors, she just stood looking into my swollen, panicked, tear-filled eyes, trying hard not to open up and inform me of answers I so desperately wanted to know. I asked her again making direct eye contact in hope she'd crack under pressure, "I have two sisters, Alice and Rachel Grayson, are they OK?"

In her eyes I could see pain; not because she was hurting but because of the information she knew and how it would hurt me when I was learned the truth…

**For **the second time I could remember, my eyes flickered open, sensing something, or someone making unwanted, unintentional noise.

In the door way, dressed in a slim-fitting, smart suit was the same guy who'd I'd previously seen, "shit." He muttered under his breath, trying to shut the door as quietly as he possibly could.

"I'm awake." I coldly said.

Turning, he winced hoping I hadn't woken, "Your head looks unbearable."

"I haven't seen it." I dismissed, grimacing afterwards; i_t was unbearable._

"Here let me help you," Rushing over he said as I tried to sit myself up, "Can I try to fix it?" He asked.

"I'm pretty sure you're no doctor, but by all means you can try—" Before I could finish my sentence, his lips were on my forehead, kissing away the pain. _Whoa I didn't expect this._

As his soft, smooth lips pressed onto my delicate skull, aching pain started to decrease, eventually through seconds vanishing. Each kiss was an easy, seductive, slow but still as important, singular, superior-to-the-last term of medication.

Knowing when to stop, he edged backwards, placing himself into the vacant chair on my left.

"Tell me what happened." I commanded, trying hard not to allow the surprising aftermath of fluster rush over me.

"Not yet."

I rolled my eyes, "Why? I think I have at least the right to know how my _own _sisters are! You know, you can jab me with all the bloody needles you like, and try to put me back to sleep as frequently as you can but I'm not going to quit, the first thing I'll do when I wake is ask, and ask, and ask until you tell me something!" My anger started to boil; I was going to engage into a rant. _Why were they keeping such vital information from me_?

"_I_ haven't 'jabbed' you with any needles, that's left up to the hospital, I have nothing to do with that." He remained calm and dignified, _if only I had the same willpower, _"I think you have every right to know everything, just not yet."

"Why? C'mon then mysterious-hero-of-the-hour… if you're not able to tell me, tell me why you can't." Unable to just sit on my arse and rest I tried to stand, walk, or just move in some sort of way. I knew I was being mean, rude and obnoxious but I couldn't help it, I needed to know where my sisters were.

He stood taking hold of my arm, "I can't tell you, yet, because you deserve to rest."

Both eyes met as his power overcame me. _Please. Come on. Please tell me. _I looked at him, studying his impeccable face, something I hadn't noticed earlier. He stared back, his beautifully golden rimmed eyes gazed into mine as we silently fought. Struggling to manage everything I broke the stare, "I _deserve _to know _so_ I can rest."

He sighed gently pressing me to the bed, "Eleana—"

_He just said my name. This stranger, who I have never met before, just said my name. _I interrupted almost immediately, "Wait, What? How do you know my name? I've never mentioned my name to you before."

"I know many things," He slowly leant into me, barricading me so my only move was lying back down on the bed. It was done in such a way that didn't make me want to resist, or fight or retaliate, I wanted to follow his moves, trail his actions. "I know your Eleana Grayson. You're fifteen years old. You have two sisters, Rachel and Alice Grayson, plus a mother." Perching on the side of my bed, he moved a strand of hair away from my face, "You tell everyone you'd like to become a veterinarian but your secret ambition is to be a marine biologist. You study art, English, religious education and all three sciences. You really enjoyed me kissing your forehead just now and—"

My mouth was open, "I did not" _I did._

Enjoying the torture he smirked, "It's OK, I'm used to it."

_Ugh. _I scoffed, "piss off."

"Eleana stop thinking and rest." He muttered standing.

"It's hard to rest when you're kept in the dark."

He leant over one more time… slowly turning his head towards my cheek, leaning in to give a light fresh kiss, "sometimes it's best to be left in the dark." With that final sentence he made his way to the door, shutting it gently.

Like a complete moron I am, I allowed him to walk away… not realising he'd left me with more questions than answers.

**The **beautiful fragrance of flowers woke me the next morning. Mother had bought me them. Unsure of how she knew, she'd picked my favourites: coronations, tulips and gerberas. The bright and fiery colours made the room appear less dull and awkward. Something I insisted on thanking her for. On the small card that came with it she'd written:

I'm going to make it up to you, baby.

Something I didn't understand, but wasn't ready to understand yet either.

Maybe it was because I appeared more calm and relaxed, or maybe it was because my health had improved, but the nurses hadn't injected me as frequently as yesterday and had actually left me awake. Something I also insisted on thanking them for it.

While she arranged the flowers into a vase, that the nurses had given her to use, she asked, "How are you feeling today, Miss Ellie?"

I smiled realising she hadn't called me that since before dad had passed, "confused."

She immediately stopped what she was doing, turned to face me, and placed her hand in between mine, "OK. OK. Baby, yesterday was a little hectic. You see, that was the first time you'd woken since the crash."

I swallowed, "yeah, I know but—"

She hushed me from talking, her eyes began to weep as she sat down beside the bed I was laying in, "the crash was almost a week ago."

_What? _The confusion I felt instantly multiplied. _Does that mean I was in a coma?_

She continued, "A bus's breaks failed which resulted in it colliding into the car Alice was driving."

_Mum never calls Liss Alice, never. Not even when dad was alive did she call Liss Alice. Not even when Liss did something bad. It was always Liss, always. _I could feel the speed of my heart beating increase, as my palms grew sweaty and twitchy. _What was she trying to say?_

As her tears fell, she nudged them away with her thumb.

"I don't understand."

"When the bus hit Alice's car, the force propelled it off of the bridge Alice was driving on."

_Eh? What bus? What bridge? _I felt insane for not remembering anything.

"When the paramedics came, you were found on the grass unconscious; they can only presume the force of the bus thrusted you threw the glass window and out of the car, the grass being the destination you landed on." Her hand tightened round mine as her breath became hasty.

I couldn't help but interrupt, "no, no, no, no, no, no. Someone helped me out of the car, he carried me there."

Trying her hardest not to cause a scene she lowered her voice, "sweetie, the paramedics said there was no way someone could have gotten into the car to help you… it was too compressed."

_What?! What was she talking about?! That guy, the guy who was here last night, helped me out, he saved me. _"Well they've gotten it wrong, someone helped me out, he carried me to the grass. Mum, he was here last night, I swear."

Soothingly she started to stroke the top of my hand in hope I'd ease, "honey—"

"Is everything alright?" A nurse interfered, realising I'd grown unsteady.

Unable to control my worry, machines grew louder, beeping every mini-second. I became dizzy and unwell, disordered by the news. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel like reality; I couldn't remember any of it, absolutely nothing. All I could remember was the harsh darkness that had surrounded me and pure anxiety I felt when realising I couldn't find Liss or Rae.

No longer could I hear their voices, all I could here was the machinery's noises increasing volume, and my loud thumping of a heart. _Stop. Please. Help me. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Please. _As I tried to cry out I felt the sharp pinch of a needle. With an instance my eyes were closing and my mind was going… _Why were they doing this? I'm telling the truth._

"**How **is she?" An unfamiliar, masculine voice asked.

My mother's voice replied sounding shaky, "I think I'd tried to tell her too soon."

The same voice sounded louder, it was as if he was coming towards mother and I, "we can all make that mistake, it'll be OK."

Although I could hear everything fine, my eyes felt swollen and tight; I couldn't open them. No matter how hard I tried to blink them open they wouldn't budge. Nor could I stomach a sentence. My mouth was shut tight, as was my mind; I couldn't think of words to say. All I could do was lay there and listen.

"Ya' think?"

"Yeah."

Mother spoke as if her head was between her hands, "oh I don't know, she kept on telling me someone took her out of the car."

"What, and placed her where the paramedics found her?" His tone implied he didn't believe me.

"Yes."

"But there was no way of getting into the girls without cutting the car, it would have been impossible." His voice was high, as if he was confused… _tell me about it._

Another voice spoke; I recognised it to be the nurse who was looking after me earlier, "some people believe it's their guardian angel coaxing them."

_What?! Guardian angel my arse. He carried me! He bloody carried me! How could a spirit-thingy-person carry someone?_

The male's voice sounded despaired, "Pfft. I'm pretty sure that's impossible too."

"Maybe, just don't deny it from her. Not accepting what she thinks is the truth could minimise her recovery, you don't want that… especially after everything."

Mother agreed with the nurse, "I'm sure you're right," Her sigh sounded desperate, "she just doesn't deserve any of this." Her voice broke. Mother was crying.

"Neither do you Mrs Grayson." The nurse added in.

"I do, God was punishing me which has resulted in also punishing and hurting Eleana."

"It wasn't your fault." The man muttered, "You cannot blame yourself for something that you hadn't done, it's not possible."

"Oh but I can. They were in the car because they were getting away from me. They were going out for breakfast because I was the most idiotic mother who hadn't got food in the house—"

His strong, directive voice overrode hers, "Mrs Grayson I refuse to listen to this, you cannot blame yourself for the death of Alice and Rachel."

"What?" I managed to form a word of a sentence, even though my insides were twisting and knotting. As if they were stuck, I ripped my eyes open, tears welling. "Liss and Rae have died?"

Mother looked at me, her eyes dribbling tears which fell to the floor. Both of her hands covered her mouth as she sobbed.

Impatient and panicked I jostled upwards, needing some disturbing answers. "Answer me." No one answered, "Answer me." I screamed.

"Miss Grayson—" The man who'd been standing, holding his hands up defensively said.

I abruptly interrupted, "Answer me!" I continued to scream, tears dragging down my pale distraught face, "answer me! My family has died and all you can say is 'Miss Grayson'." They just stood there watching me, saddened by my reaction, "please. Please." I screeched, "Please answer me." I continued to squeal, not resting until they'd given me the reply I already knew.

I grew sweaty and exhausted as my throat tightened and tears took over me; _no longer did I have a family, it was just me: My protective, loving, caring older sister was gone… the one who always helped me revise for tests at school, the one who cooked us meals, the one who gave me money to get new clothes when I had parties to go to. She guided me. She helped me. She made me right. She was gone for forever. Gone, and never able to come back. _

_And then my guiltless, wonderful, breath-of-fresh-air of a younger sister was also taken from me. _My anger ripped out as I sobbed, unable to accept the news. _The beautiful baby I'd brought up with Liss was gone. The baby who always made me smile, or enjoy myself, or respect the world. She helped me understand values, and why I should be good. She made me believe in morals and the future._

I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard, I was bawling so excruciatingly painful. My whole torso had knotted into a complete tangled mess which couldn't be undone. In my ears I could hear my heart, my vital organ, pounding, beating, thrusting itself back and forth for my survival; something which I knew Liss and Rae no longer had. I wanted to fight, give off the pain I was feeling… _my sisters were taken from me, my sisters were gone._

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." My mother cried edging towards me; her arms open to embrace me.

"Urgh." I cried. "They were my family, not yours, mine. How could you?! How dare you keep it from me!"

With all my might, I fought her off of me, angry with _her_ even existing. _Liss and Rae didn't deserve to die. _Mother just took it, only crying because I was voicing her thoughts.

"Alright now, Miss Grayson." The man said, "calm down."

"My sisters are gone!" I cried out, unable to quiet the pain I was feeling.

They didn't reply, instead I felt a cool, small prick as more medication was used to force me to sleep.

**Seductive, **soft, strokes of patterns flowed up my left hand and arm. _Someone was drawing semi-circles using their fingers. _My eyes flickered open, automatically connecting with the honey speckled, long lashed eyes which were staring back. He had tanned, sun kissed skin, which felt smooth but hard_._ My eyes couldn't help but make their way down to the natural pout of his rough, rouged lips. _The memory of them on my forehead made me blush. _There was no stubble in sight, just the smooth defined neck line which seemed like heaven to kiss, touch, or even just to look at. His hair was a floppy, dark blonde, short but still long enough to have a subtle quiff. Again, he was in the same striking suit, _something_ _in which he looked very gorgeous in. _He seemed thin, but muscular; _he definitely owned a six pack. _To say he was handsome, would be an understatement, _he was divine; _something only an angel could look like_._

Even though my body had felt like it had been shoved through several brick walls I couldn't help but croak out the words, "Hi."

He smiled, showing me his white, straight perfected teeth, "Eleana." He backed his hand away from my arm. _Oh._

"You were right."

He looked at me confused and started to mouth the word: what.

"I was better off not knowing."

He sighed, "They told you."

I nodded, "why did you try to help me and not them? I was OK, I would have been able to get out, it was _them_ who needed your help."

His hands ruffled through his hair with despair as he started to pace back and forth, "Eleana I couldn't help them, even though I wanted too; it wasn't possible. You were the only one who I could've saved."

My throat started to form a heavy, painful lump of pain, exhaustion and loss. "I was conscious, I could've gotten out by myself, _they_ needed your help."

"It was too late, Eleana, they were already gone."

Like a big boulder, a clot mounded its way within my throat. Tears started to form, as my eyes started to swell with anxiety, "who are you?"

He didn't reply, instead he said, "you have three cracked ribs, a broken arm, abdominal trauma, a head injury, and severe bruising, you needed my help."

"But I felt OK."

"Well the x-rays, surgery and pain you're now in, say different. Don't deny that your stomach is making you want to ripple over in agony."

_He was so right. _My hands stumbled over my flat, bandaged, sore tummy which I was trying hard not to heave over; the pain was excruciating.

"And don't deny that you have the worst migraine right now, which is making your eyes water."

I quickly wiped away the tears which were falling, "who are you?"

"Who am I?" He looked at me. He looked at me, as if the world had stopped, that it was literally only us two moving. Time was no longer ticking; it was only our bodies present in this unknown atmosphere. Both our eyes glared into one another, something which even when I was in this much pain, still gave me giddy goose bumps. I was mesmerised by his movement, it was as if they were my drug. "Who am I?" He repeated, "I'm what you call hell."


	2. Chapter One: Endless Torture

_It's official, this blog has given me the writing-bug & I just can't stop! So because I've fallen ill with the writing-bug I've written this chapter a little earlier than expected! Ooh.. Please let me know what you think?! More is to come and if I continue, I'm sure another chapter will be uploaded very soon! _

_PLEASE TAKE NOTE:_

_- The dude who crops up in Eleana's dream is the same dude who helped her in the accident...(maybe I should've made it more clear)._

_-Also, if I've been too graphic via Eleana and her man... you know... uhh.. doing 'it'.. then I'm sorry! (Please let me know what you think!)_

_-OOH, also.. I had such a struggle with naming this chapter (& I really like to name chapters/prologues/ epilogues etc!)_

_More juice to this story will come!_

_Hoping to have impressed,_

_Miss C Louise. xx_

* * *

Chapter One: _Endless Torture_

**Dark, **night sky shone through my lonesome bedroom window reflecting onto the duvet which held my body tight. Although my body was trying to sleep, my mind was conscious; the harsh distant memory of the accident continuing to reoccur as if it were stuck on repeat. It had been six months since that devilish day, exactly twenty-four weeks since this on-going battle started. And although time had carried on, I couldn't help but wonder when this horrifying nightmare would end.

Both eyes of mine were shut but my mind was still living the painful recollection which scabbed over like sealed cut. Squeezing my eyes tight in hope it would end the replaying emotions and scenery from the accident, I heard the sudden creak of flooring, then the slow twist of my bedroom door handle; _he couldn't be quiet if his life depended on it. _Without a spoken word I felt the cold rush of air as he lifted the covers back to climb in, then the warm radiation as his arms folded round mine.

Although my eyes continued to stay closed, I couldn't help but smile at the comforting feeling of being intertwined in him.

"Hi." His warm breath whispered sweetly.

"Hi, you."

"Did I wake you?" He asked in a hushed voice.

I couldn't help but reply with a giggle; _like he didn't know the answer to that! He always wakes me with his entrance._

Smiling back, "I thought so. How was your day?" He asked nibbling my earlobe.

"Boring, I spent most of the day thinking about how long I would have, until I could fall back to sleep and see you again."

I could feel his face shine with a smile, "I spent all day waiting." His lips slowly and gently made their way from my cheek to my lips, trying not to neglect any part of me. I turned to give him the full opportunity to kiss me properly. "You should get some sleep." He informed, finally edging away from the kiss we shared.

_Oh._ "You're probably right." _How about we agree to disagree?_ Rolling over so I was no longer facing him, I slowly tried my best to keep my eyes shut. About five seconds had passed before I said, "You know I sleep much better once I've been given the chance, to ya 'know, Uhh make out with my man."

_His deep, mischievous laugh was too damn sexy. _"Do you now?"

I turned so he could look into my eyes.

Without even taking a quick glance, his lips were on mine; soothing the aching memory I was re-living only moments ago.

**Within **these past six months, every sleep since the accident, he's been there to sooth my unbearable nightmares; never leaving my side, even at the most toughest times. As soon as my head touches the pillow, I instantly get transformed from a nightmare to a fairy tale; he makes everything perfect. At the start of this crazy context he was only there to bide my time, ensure I slept the night away without fuss, or pain… but somehow it evolved into something more, something beautiful. He's given me happiness in the most hellish times. I feel like a complete crack head to think the only relationship I've ever had, is with a guy who I can only meet in my dreams, but I can't help it, it's as if he's _my_ angel. I'm addicted to the love he gives me… even if it's totally make-believe and all in my head.

"**If **only you could be with me throughout the day." I pined like a selfish child.

"If only." He dismissed kissing my forehead, "Just focus on the time you get to share with me now, use it wisely." He flirted.

"Yes sir." I joked wrapping my arms round him.

He leaned over me, his arms wrapping underneath my body, in such a way it was as if he was holding me, "I like you calling me sir; it sounds so commanding and strong." We both laughed, "I'm kidding."

We kissed once more, his tongue seductively edging into my mouth as my hands explored his body. Even though he had smooth gentle skin, his muscles were deliciously defined; _they felt like heaven to touch_. I caressed his chest, my fingers slowly tracing over his pecks, leading down to his hard, sharp abs. Although we'd done this many times, it always felt like it was the first. No longer was the atmosphere friendly, innocent or immature, it had turned into a daring temptation which was irresistible. _He was mine, all of mine. _My hands continued to travel downwards until it reached something hard.

"Oh. Eleana." He groaned, "Don't if you don't want to."

I gave him the look which said it all; _oh I do want to alright._

His lips trailed gorgeously wet kisses from my mouth, down my neck to my baggy t-shirt, "better get rid of this." He joked, lifting it over my head to leave my bare breasts on show. My hands messed up his hair as he spent his time sucking, nibbling and tasting me, all of me. Eventually, his lips edged down further to my flat, bare stomach, "ya 'know most girls would kill for your tummy."

I rolled my eyes, "Shh you."

"If you insist." He muttered continuing to kiss every part of me. Without any rush, he vowed on sexually tormenting me, ensuring I was fully ready. As if it were a reflex, my legs parted as his mouth touched the opening of my sex, "na-aa-ah." He teased.

Addicted to him I groaned.

"All in good time baby." He whispered leading back up to my lips.

Forcing all my weight onto him, we switched positions so I was on top straddling, "my turn." I said playfully, in hope of leaving him desperate for more. My lips slowly sucked from his neck downwards, leaving small cute marks. Not ignoring one spot of him I shuffled down till my breasts were placed within his thighs, leaning against his thick, long, hard-on. Slowly, I left wet, nibbling kisses down his thighs, not giving in to his pleads. My mouth widened as I approached him, ready to take him on fully. The first thing to touch him was my tongue, instantly leading onto my mouth latching on, sucking inventively. His toes curled as his moaning became louder but I wouldn't quit, only going faster and allowing more of my tongue to touch. I could sense his lip being bitten as he cursed out my name, he was full of air.

"Eleana, I'm going to—" but before he could finish his sentence, he'd already cummed, leaving my mouth full of a salty liquid which, with an instant, I swallowed.

Wiping my mouth I elbowed my way back up to him.

"Hey, I'm not done with you just yet!" He flirted, pushing me down so he was on top. His nose nudged my legs apart, his tongue slowly starting to lick, caress and massage soft spots. As the walls of my sex became sensitive, he ran his tongue in between, leaving a flutter of excitement build. He repeated and repeated, until his pace grew, leaving a sensation in my inner core which forced my whole body to ripple with pleasure. I was nearly ready to orgasm, feeling my body build this repetitive fluster of lust, I was close when surprisingly I felt something hard insert in me, the feeling multiplied automatically, leaving me double-over with desire.

"Oh gosh." I groaned, "oh my! Oh—" Before I could finish my sentence, I'd finally had an orgasm.

_Oh if only he was real..._

**The **unenthusiastic buzz of my alarm clock woke me the next morning. Before I had even the slightest possibility of turning it off, mother rushed in with toast, tea and the newspaper; _ever since I'd come home from the hospital she'd come in at seven, every morning, with it… I guess it was her way of showing me she's trying to change. _

She perched on the end of bed trying to remain as strong as she could; _we were still trying to come to terms with the loss of Liss and Rae._ "Miss Ellie?"

"Yes?" I replied chewing a piece of warm, soft toast.

"Well since it's only us two now, I've been thinking."

I took a sip of my milky tea, _Ahh, she'd done it just the way I liked it. _"yeah?"

"I want to go and get help from the hospital... ya' know… with my alcohol addiction." It was as if she was embarrassed when she'd said it, her long loose hair covered her face and she continued to fiddle with her hands.

"I think that's the best idea you've had in a long time." I sounded mean, _and I guess I was kinda, trying to be crude, _but it was a good idea… _it was about time. _

"I've been looking at clinics which can help."

I nodded with approval.

"And I've found a suitable one, which I think would suit me best."

Smiling, I took another bite of my toast, "Oh yeah?"

"The thing is, for me to go to this clinic, I won't be able to look after you."

"So? I've looked after myself, plus others, for long enough."

She sighed, "well it's different now, you know it is."

I rolled my eyes, "What mum? What are you trying to say?"

She looked down, tears starting to slip out of her eyes.

"Just say."

"You've got a place at the boarding school: Me&You."

My face fell; to say I was peed would be an understatement.

"And it's in America."

_What? Was she kidding me? She wants me to go to a boarding school? A boarding school which is in America?! _I dropped the toast I was holding and shoved the plate away from my feet, "you're kidding me?!" I said sternly.

"I know it'll be hard, but it'll be a new beginning for the both of us."

"What? So we're leaving England?!" I decided to stand; pacing back and forth was something which helped me cope with bad news, "you want to leave the place which has Liss's and Rae's life in?! Are you smoking crack or something?! No don't answer that, god it wouldn't surprise me." The last bit I muttered under my breath, knowing it would kill her if I said it to her face.

"I don't want to leave this house either, god knows I don't. Ya' know this was your fathers dream home—"

"Yeah and look how it's been destroyed." _Oh shit._

Mother looked down, trying to painfully pinch her arms as her way of disciplining herself for the previous mistakes she'd made; what I said was true, and it hurt.

"I'm sorry mum, that was the anger talking." I sat beside her taking both her hands, "look, I wish we didn't have to do this, I really don't want to leave—"

Mum interrupted, "I know that Elle—"

"But," I interrupted, "if it's going to help you, then… I guess… I have no choice in the matter."

After I'd said that, she threw her arms around me. I'm not sure how long for, maybe ten minutes, maybe ten hours, but we just sat there, crying in each other's arms… _and for the first time in what felt like forever I told her, _"I loved you."

**The **scraping of knives and forks made my toes curl as we ate the homemade lasagne in silence. After the floods of tears both mum and I shed, we decided to have dinner then have an early night. _It's amazing to think we spent most of the day crying. _And although it was quite early, all I wanted to do was shut my eyes and be in the arms of _him_… he would make it all better.

"Would you like some more salad?" Mother asked, forcing me to break away from my day dream.

"Uhh, yeah, sure."

She smiled as I piled my plate high with the rabbit food.

"It's been quite a day." She said, allowing her eyebrows to rise.

I nodded, "mmm-hmm."

"Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

I swallowed my mouthful of mincemeat, "When?"

She sighed dramatically and took a long gulp of her water, "We'll be leaving England this time next week, you'll be starting school the week after."

"Right." I nodded; I felt numb, completely and utterly emotionless. After all the crying I'd did earlier, all I could do was just sit there unable to feel anything, or react in any way, shape or form. It didn't make sense to me why I wasn't causing such a big scene over leaving so soon; instead I was just sat there quietly chewing my mouthful. Not knowing what else to do, I stood. "I'm not hungry," I placed my dish on the side of the draining board, "I think I should go to bed—"

Worried, she interrupted, "But you've barely touched your lasagne, did I do something wrong?"

"Of course not mum. It would've definitely been up to Rae's standards, I'm just not hungry." _Maybe I wasn't hungry because it was Rae's favourite, or maybe it was just the abrupt news I'd received this morning… either way, I didn't feel comfortable with the situation._

**Like **a lifeless soul, I slipped into the shower, aggressively, washing my hair and body. I guessed I'd had hoped to have rubbed off some of the emotionless persona I was becoming; at least when I'd kick off, I was feeling something. After brushing my teeth and combing my long wavy hair, I decided to get into bed with hope I'd fall asleep quickly and efficiently.

_**This **__all felt too horrifyingly familiar_: it was a dark and damp day, the flowers had raindrops on them and the sky seemed to be covered with a greyish, dull atmosphere. Mother had been on the bottle all morning, which led me to believe we'd never be at the church on time. I'd decided to put my hair into a bun, seeing as whenever I'd had it like that Rae would comment on how I'd looked like a ballerina. I used to pretend I was, turning and twisting around in the living room. Although my injury's from the crash were severe, I insisted on going, not letting any doctors stop me, no matter how hard they insisted. It took me days of persuasion for them finally to agree.

"Come on Eleana, otherwise we're going to be late!" Mother shouted up the stairs. Although she thought I couldn't hear her, she muttered underneath her breath, "fucking, useless child."

Trying so hard not to take any notice, I slowly made my way down the stairs. I looked like a mess with my head bandaged, but the doctors insisted, concerned without it, it could lead to an infection. Not only was my forehead bandaged but my stomach was wound tightly just like in the creepy cartoons with the mummies; it was done just to ensure my wounds would heel. My left arm was in a sling, whereas my right clung onto a crutch for much needed support.

"You ready?" She asked in an aggressive manner.

I nodded. _I wasn't planning to criticise my mother's bad drinking habit today, she was just about to burry two of her daughters, both of both of which were her first and last babies._

I eased myself into the borrowed car someone had lent mum for the day, I was pretty sure mum shouldn't be drinking and driving, but I wasn't going to be the one to say anything. Maybe she was doing it on purpose, but she drove extra slow, it felt like forever before we'd finally arrived. Once we'd got there, mum went off to speak to the vicar as I stayed with the already arriving guests; I was amazed at how many people had turned up, friends, teachers, long lost family members, even paramedics who'd tried to save them came to show their respect. The vicar started off with a typical saying about remembrance, it was then that my thoughts fazed out, because you'd have to know someone in order to try and remember them, and he'd never met them. Everyone cried and sobbed and sniffled back depressing thoughts. The whole room was filled with sorrow and despair and a lack of faith. _It was truly beautiful to think so many people had come together to say goodbye to my sisters._

Even though I hadn't fully been released from the hospital, and that I found it hard to reply to a question, let alone have a full conversation, I still wanted to say something, _even if it was just a sentence, I still wanted to say it in front of everyone._

I stood, the crutch of mine balancing underneath my armpit as I held the piece of paper with the same hand, shaking. Some people gasped as they saw how awful I looked, others sobbed with sincerity. Trying to remain calm, I read out, "Although Rae wasn't my father's biological daughter; both Liss and I insisted that she was still his. Maybe it was because she copied off of one of us, or noticed how we did things, but Rae always did these things which were the spitting image of dad. At times, I'd watch her and think 'gosh she must be dads reincarnation' because of how alike they could've been… maybe it's a good thing, maybe not." Everyone chuckled as I tried to be humorous, even though I was sniffling back the tears, "And although Liss wasn't much older than me, she always acted like the stronger, bigger one who'd always protect me." I couldn't control my tears as they started to stream, "She was always there for me. Always. No matter what, she'd be there ready to wipe my tears and sort everything out…She was the problem solver of the family" I sniffed back my tears even though they fell like a water fall. _I couldn't help it, my words wouldn't stop, _"so where are you now Liss? I need you. I really, really need you. I need you to come and sort this out for me… Please." I started to beg, as my cries turned into saddening pleas. My bottom lip fell, as my salty crystal tears slid down the bruises and cuts on my face. I couldn't help it, they wouldn't stop, tear after tear. My cry grew louder as my mum decided to stand… _nothing could've prepared me for what she was about to say…_

"They were both such beautiful children… my girls… my poor sweet babies," She cried. She drew in a harsh deep breath and blurted out, "I WISH IT WAS YOU WHO DIED, NOT THEM."

Everyone gasped. Someone tried to usher her away as I continued to sob endlessly.

"She's right everybody." I agreed with her, feeling the whole in my heart gape open even more so. Tears edged down my face as I fell to the ground, "Liss please. Liss come and help me. Liss—"

"Eleana baby." He said soothingly, cutting me off from the horrible memory I was re-living, "it's OK. Don't worry sweetie, you're here with me."

My eyes fluttered open as tears started to stream, "My mum, she said—"

He cut me off, "I know."

And it was then that I started to feel something: _torture._

**After **an on-going, endless battle with my harsh memories, he finally soothed me to sleep, knowing that I needed it… Not stopping, he gently stroked my long, wet hair, dabbing the odd tear that would fall. His other hand linked in with mine, gently drawing circles and other types of shapes, in hope I'd focus on that and not the reoccurring, non-stopping, re-living memories. He ensured to keep me close to his chest, as he tried to tell me happy, enjoyable stories. Every now and again he'd kiss my forehead as a sign of him remembering I needed him.

Even if he was only there to protect my dreams and make them sweet, to me, at least he's there. He's the only thing that keeps me stable, something of which I need. I want. Sometimes, to ensure you remain sane, you have to do the crazy…


	3. Chapter Two: Amendments & Alterations

_Hello Fiction-Lovers!_

_Again, couldn't help myself but write some more! (I think it's because I can't wait to write some juicy stuff, which by the way is coming up soon.. hopefully! so please stay interested)._

_JUST TO LET YOU KNOW:_

_-Again I had some issues with naming this chapter, but finally came up with something I'm happy with! (Still not fully accepting of Chapter ones name... hmmm)_

_-Also when I refer to 'he' it's Eleana's lover... hope you know what I mean already though..._

_NEXT CHAPTER:_

_I will confirm (god I'm making it sound like it's a bloody celebrity! I wish)... No I can confirm the next chapter will be about her starting school... can you guess what'll occur there?! To me I can't wait to share! All I'll say is, KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR THE END SCENE!_

Love

Miss C Louise. xx

* * *

Chapter Two: _Amendments & Alterations_

**The **next couple of days for both mum and I was hectic; having to organise a move is stressful, but having to organise a move to another country took stressful to a whole new level! And although I really didn't want to leave behind the special place full of my family's memories, I knew that moving on and moving away was the right thing to do.

Not that I had anything to hide, I insisted on packing all of my own belongings, sorting out what I wanted to take with me, and what I felt was right to leave behind. _Too bad for mum there wasn't a big pile of things I was willing to 'leave behind'. _Along sorting out everything, I came across numerous stashes of booze of which mother had hidden previous to the accident. To say I was surprised would be a lie, I wasn't. But I never expected the amount of bottles.

Without saying a word to mother, I passed her the stacks of bottles.

"I'll pour them down the sink." She murmured, but in such a way it was loud enough for me to hear.

I nodded, trying hard not to praise her; _she's come a long way within the past six months._ I continued shifting boxes around as I heard the gulp of the plug swallowing the alcohol, "you don't need it mum, honestly." I encouraged.

"I know, I've learned it only makes you wee more." She couldn't help but hide the humour in her voice.

"If it helps, soon as we're in America I won't touch a single dessert."

"Ya' what?" She stopped what she was doing; to come into the room where I was.

"Well, if it means that it'll help because we both are giving up an addiction, I'll do it." I wiped the sweat from my forehead as she leaned against the door frame.

Next to me stood a beautiful picture of Liss, dad and mum. In her arms was a very small and delicate baby; me. It had been only an hour since I'd been born and although mum looked pale and tired, the look on her face was a perfect, it was full of: love, care, happiness, contentment, joy, panic, worry, anxieties, and bewilderment. Mother looked at me in the same precise way, something I couldn't help but smile at, "Oh Miss Ellie, desserts aren't an addiction." She giggled; _it was as if I was an innocent immature child again._

"Well to me they are!" I giggled shoving a pillow, which was nearby, up my top and jabbing at it with my finger.

"Oh Miss Ellie!" She smiled, "I'm not going to encourage you to do anything like that, you've been put through a lot—"

"But mum I'd like to." I interrupted. _And although it sounded rather silly out loud, if it meant that it would encourage mum to continue with her on-going success, then I'd do it within a heartbeat._

"OK then Eleana, Ok."

**"I've **been thinking," I muttered to mother whilst taping the filled boxes which she was placing in front of me.

"Oh yeah?"

"Well, when I go to boarding school, I won't be able to do a lot of cooking."

"Yes?"

"So how about tonight I make it my last attempt to cook something half decent for the both of us?"

"If you want to Miss Ellie." She smiled.

"I mean, once we'll be in America," I decided to put on an American Accent, "we'll be eating hot dogs, double-Derek buuuugggggers—"

She interrupted, "Double what?"

"Burgers mum."

She started to laugh.

"What?"

She leaned against the door giggling, "I thought you said buggers!"

"Well them too." I winked. _And in that moment I realised that this woman was no longer the same person who fell in love with alcohol, or said those mean things at the funeral, she was someone I used to know: my mummy._

**Mother **sat at the table trying to be as enthusiastic as she possibly could. She tried her hardest at making the right sounds, or smelling in that god-forsaken way we all do when we smell something good…

When Liss was alive, she used to be the chef of the household, not messing up one meal! Although she was just a bit older than me, and we didn't have much money to splash out with, she would still be able to cook brilliant meals which left everybody full with pleasure… _I had a lot to live up to._

I poured both of us some of this non-alcoholic cocktail which I'd whizzed together, knowing that it would taste good because I'd done it previously in catering-class. Trying to make it all fancy, I coated the top ring of the glass in sugar, adding a wedge of orange on the side. The cocktail was a purpley-fuschia colour which fizzed at the slightest movement. Ever since I had the class which informed me on this delightful drink, it had become my party trick.

She took a sip, "this is good!" She sounded shocked, which made me wonder whether it was a compliment or just a relieved statement.

I smiled lifting the big pot full of Italian stew, inside was a mixture of vegetables with big chunks of beef marinated and cooked slowly in a hearty sauce. Taking the big pot over to the table I said, "Help yourself, I'll just get the potatoes."

"OK."

Allowing the inner-chef in me to unleash I'd decided to do, both roast potatoes and mash. I carried the both smaller dishes to the table and sat down. "Please do help yourself."

She took a hesitant mouthful, chewed a couple of times and made a tasteful noise, "gosh Eleana, this is divine!"

I smiled, "Is it?" I shoved several big spoonful's of the stew and mash onto my plate and took a bite, "god it is!" _I was surprised myself._

"Liss would be proud!" Mother exclaimed, which meant more to me than she'll ever know; _I'd done something up to the standards of her other children._

After a few more mouthfuls mother took a couple sips of her drink and smiled, "please may I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure." I said swallowing my mouthful.

"Are you angry at me for the decision I've made, for us?" Her face seemed to be full of nerves as I took another mouthful.

"Of course not. I'm not going to resent you for being my mother and making a decision for me; I'm sad we're going, but it results in a better life for you, and for me."

"For us." she smiled with relief, "are you nervous?"

"I'm not really sure." I replied.

"It's Ok to be worried by it, it's a big thing." Her pep-talk was cute, almost perfect; _it was what a mother would do, _"it's a lot for a teenager to take in."

I nodded, "I'm just glad you're going to get help." _And that was the truth; her going to get help, gave us the opportunity of becoming a family._ "Can I ask you a question?"

She gave me the same nervous face like before, "go on?"

"Are you worried?"

"Yes," she took a big breath, "but more so of what I could do, if I _don't _get help."

I swallowed, "can I ask you another question?"

"Yes."

"Do you ever still get the crave for alcohol?"

"Yes," She spoke louder as if she was trying to interrupt herself, "but since the funeral I haven't had one drop."

I smiled trying to reassure her, "I know that mum… I know."

"I want to go the clinic in America to stop this crave from occurring, not to stop me from drinking the stuff; I've already stopped."

"I know mum, I know." After that, we didn't speak any more of the subject; instead we continued to discuss the success of the meal I'd prepared.

**That **night he got into bed the same way he did every night; _loudly and disruptively._

"Thank god it's all in my head; if you were this loud in real life my mother would have a fit!" I was joking of course.

He grinned his devilish divine grin which sent butterflies circulating in my tummy; they got even worse as he gave my forehead a powerful kiss. Moments turned into hours, which we spent talking, laughing and staring into one another's eyes; _god I wish he was real! It's just the way he makes my stomach flip with this fuddy-duddy feeling that sends me into my own little content world. _One touch, one smile, one wink was all it took!

"Can I ask you something?" I asked.

"Yes Eleana, anything." He whispered into my ear, leaving small sweet kisses down my neck.

"You'll still be with me, ya' know, once we've moved won't you?"

He laughed, "Well duh'!"

"Good. I couldn't imagine a dream without you."

Instead of replying, he kissed me. It was a deep, meaningful kiss, which left me weak and uneasy… _oh god it was guuuurrrrrddd! _After the heavenly kiss he edged away saying, "get some sleep: big move, new school, trust me you'll need it."

I did as I was told, never one to disobey…

**Black. **All I could see was this familiar daring of darkness which made my stomach flip. _It was oh too familiar, and oh so scary. _I screamed, trying to blink as deeply and as heavily as I could in hope the darkness would disappear. The blinking was like a ridiculous reflex, something I was unfortunately too familiar with…

I screamed again.

Blinking to see the horrific memory re-played out: I was in the car with Rae and Liss, Rae was covered in blood, her clothes stained with it. Liss's head was still in that same position like before; leaning against the steering wheel.

I screamed again, only stopping because I had a thought—_Maybe you can save them Eleana?_

Instantly I started to unstrap Rae's seatbelt, but it was jammed. "Rae! Rae! Rae, wake up so you can help me with your seatbelt." She was just slumped there like a lifeless doll, "no, no, no, no c'mon! Rae! Rae!" Tears slid down my face as my breathing became heavy and uncontrollable; time was ticking,"Fuck. Fuck." _What shall I do? Think Eleana. Think. Liss! Try Liss! _I leaned forward but the familiar feeling of oozing agony forced me to cripple over and cry out loud; the seat belt was digging abusively into my tummy. My head started to bang which made my thoughts clouded, "C'mon Liss! Liss! Liss you can't leave me again! Not again!—"

"Eleana. It's OK, come here." He murmured holding onto me tightly, "It was one of those awful memories re-playing in your dreams."

I couldn't speak, I couldn't even think, all I could do was cry out the tears that were hoarding. Moments ago I was in the same context I'd face several months back, within the split of a second and opening my eyes, I had no possibility of saving them, none; they were already gone.

"I know baby. I know." He rubbed my bare back as tears wavered down forming a small waterfall.

**It **felt like I'd spent almost all night crying out tears which were caused by the awful recollection I just re-lived.

As I sobbed I said, "I nee-ee-d to as-ss-k you some-th-th-ing."

"What baby, ask me anything."

"You're only in my dreams; I can only see you when I dream, but you were there at the accident weren't you? You saved me. You know you did, you said you did… except I need to hear it again, I need you to tell me."

Instead of answering with a yes or no, he tugged onto me tighter, holding me close to him. He soothed me by rubbing my back and leaving the odd trail of kisses on my forehead; he wiped the endless stroll of tears and encouraged me to breathe. "Shhh, baby, shhh." But he didn't answer.

_He saved me, I swear… He was there to look after me and I know it. Even though he can only exist in my dreams now, it doesn't mean he wasn't there to protect me when I was in that car accident. I'm sure of it…_

**"I **heard you crying last night." Mother told me as I sipped my orange juice, "you were saying _their_ names."

I didn't say anything.

"Are you Ok?" She leaned against the island which I was sat at.

"Just one of those nightmares, ya' know how they are." I tried to dismiss it, I didn't want to worry her; I'd be leaving her to go to boarding school within the next couple of weeks.

"I have some of them—"

"Oh yeah?"

"Mainly of what happened at the funeral."

_Oh yeah._

She looked down ashamed.

"It's Ok mum, it was a bad day, we both know it. All that pressure, all those people."

"Not an excuse." She said shaking her head.

"Shh, you." I tried to discharge the worry from her mind; _I really didn't want her feeling guilty, not with her going to rehab, _"now do you want bacon or eggs? I'm thinking my new found talent should be used to our advantage!"

She didn't discuss the matter again.

**The **next several days were hectic, to say the least. I think I could run a business on informing others on how to move to other countries. If I see another box which needs to be filled, or taped, or moved, I think I'll go crazy. I've boxed and helped with everything except Rae's and Liss's belongings; I decided to convince myself that mum was planning to keep them in a very safe place; I didn't want to discover the truth.

I stared out of my bedroom window, amazed at how big mine and Liss's room was without furniture in it. There was a slow knock at my door.

I turned to see mother leaning in, onto the door frame, "it's crazy to think that tomorrow evening we'll be getting on that plane and jetting off to luxurious, sunny, all-you-can-eat America, isn't it?"

I smiled as she came closer, "You've no idea."

We hugged. "Hey, hey, hey, it'll be OK, I promise." She pulled away from me, sliding her hand through my hair.

"Thank you." I smiled.

"For what?"

"For being my mum."

**I **was at the top of the stairs; nearly about to board the plane when something pulled me to a halt.

"_Eleana_..." I heard the wind whisper, "_Eleana_…"

I didn't absorb my surroundings when turning but saw a distant flicker of _his _face, _wait... was that? Was that really him? _I jolted back to where I thought he was, but there was nothing… I must've imagined it.

"_Eleana…" _I didn't turn back round that time; I just stopped "_they're proud of you for doing this Eleana, I'm proud of you too." _That time I knew I was going crazy; to me, it sounded like his voice, it sounded like he was talking to me about Rae and Liss.

**"Eleana… **Eleana," His soft, seductive whisper panicked me, I jolted upwards aggressively.

"You're on the plane?" I was surprised to see him opposite me, smiling his young, boyish grin… _ooft forget snakes on a plane, how about sex on a plane?!_

"Yes Eleana. Share how about you share your thoughts." He winked.

_Oh god, he knows! _My mouth made a shape of an O.

He winked again.

"I get to see you twice in one day?" I giggled, sitting myself up and taking a sip of my sugary, lemonade.

He nodded.

"I get to see you on a plane?"

"Soon as you fall asleep I'll be there to keep you from dreaming."

I couldn't help but laugh, "Oh I'm dreaming alright!"

He didn't reply, instead he extended his legs so that one was touching me, stroking me.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to make this dream sweet."

I jumped up and throttled onto him like an excited child at Christmas, "It's like a candy-cane store, it's so sweet."

We both giggled.

"Come and make my life sweet… please?"

He didn't say anything, he just held onto me tightly.

**"Ladies **and gentlemen please fasten your seats, ready for landing." The pilot announced through the speaker. The unexpected announcement had woken me; I'd been sleeping for six hours! _It's amazing how long you can sleep when your dreams are better than reality!_

"You alright love?" Mother asked considerately, not looking up from her magazine.

I fastened my seatbelt, "Yes."

"You've slept through everything!"

"Like what?"

"Well it's been a bumpy ride that's all, been told to fasten our seatbelts most of the way, didn't want to disturb you though."

I couldn't help but giggle, "Happiness before safety."

She slapped my arm, "you know what I mean!"

"Are you Ok?"

"It's…" She was thinking, "hard."

I swallowed, "I know mum, I know."

She took my hand.

"But, ya' know what, it's exciting too."

She swallowed a sob and smiled, "that too Miss Ellie, that too."

The flight started to grow more intense as you could feel the speed increasing.

Mum reached down into her bag and pulled out two packets of hard American wine gums, "Chew, it helps your ears."

"American wine gums eh?" I joked. "Thank you, might as well make the most of it seeing as, as soon as this plane hits the ground no more puddings, sweet, chocolates for me!"

"Shh, you. When you and Liss were small I used to give you them to you both when you'd have a cold, worked a treat!"

I smiled. _See Liss, we'll never forget you._

**"Please **may I come in Eleana?" Mother asked.

"Of course you can mum, you don't need to ask!" I exclaimed opening the door for her to enter.

Covering the floor of the room we'd rented were unpacked boxes, numerous amounts of suitcases and a lot of mess. It was tomorrow that I'd be moving all my belongings, plus myself into the boarding school, Me&You, _to say I was panicking was an understatement, I was crapping myself_.

"I was just wondering whether I was able to have a quick word with you?" She perched on the edge of the bed I'd already sat on.

"Yes?"

"I know you're probably busy planning everything, but I just wanted to give you this." Beneath her hands was a small box, she slowly lifted the lid for me to see the most beautiful bracelet I'd ever seen;_ it used to be Liss's._

"Whow mum." I sat up, gently taking it from her, "are you sure you'd like me to have this?"

"Of course. I want you to have it, its something that Liss loved; and I'd like you to have it because she really loved you."

I smiled, "I'll never take it off!"

"She never took it off!"

It was a Pandora's bracelet; I'd saved up real hard for her birthday. She loved it, it was the only piece of jewellery she'd ever owned which had value to it. Rae picked a charm, and so did I. Rae's was a small snake; when Rae started to talk she'd pronounced Liss like a snake with their S's, it was as if she'd be saying "Lisssssssssss". The charm I'd chosen was a little box which had a small gold heart, I'd picked it because she was always so strong and always kept her heart away in a box so she could think about things without allowing her emotions to get involved, I'd liked the fact that the heart was gold because she was made of pure gold; she was perfect! She'd gained a couple more charms from other people: a previous boyfriend got her a heart shaped one with the word 'love' in other languages, _not that he meant anything… he was a right tosser. _Mum also got her several charms, each one apologising for something. Nether the less, each charm had a story and she cherished every single part of it.

"Oh mum It's beautiful. Thank you." I clutched onto it, throwing my hands up into the air and grasping onto her tightly.

"It's OK. It's something I know Liss would have wanted you to have; it's something to remind you of your strength, success, perfection and purity; I really do not deserve such an angel like you."

_No longer was I afraid of being living in another country, or have to start a new school which I was going to be living in, or being separate from the only family member I have left. I felt OK because I'd finally gained something I'd missed in a long time; self-worth, self-acceptance and the gift of being able to go back and be the young, free teenager I never could be…_


End file.
